Confined

"No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head." -Terry Josephson

I'm the master at pushing people away. I don't say that in a proud way, in fact, it's something I am trying to change about myself. I do it so often that I've become unaware that I'm even doing it. Sometimes I phase someone out of my life in a way that makes them unaware of what I'm doing. I've never been one for confrontation, so instead of ending a friendship I gradually "work them out" of my life until they're gone. It sounds harsh, but it feels like a painless way to cut the ties of friendship with someone. We just "grow apart."

There are people I love deeply that just can't seem to get close to me. Each time they try to break down a wall or ask me a question beyond the surface they get shot down. Either with a sarcastic remark or I simply remain silent. There's something safe about keeping the answer in my head. If I say it aloud it will turn into a conversation. I'll be forced to explore this deeper than I want to, or deeper than I think I can handle. If I say it aloud it becomes real, if its just in my head I can pretend it doesn't exist. I can sweep it under the rug and try to avoid it, though its presence still lingers. There are times I don't speak solely based on the fear of crying. I find weakness in my tears. I have a hard time allowing myself to be broken in front of others.

God bless my therapist for putting up with me! Each time we start to go a little deeper I suddenly stop speaking. The girl with a thousand stories is suddenly at a loss for words. It's not that there aren't words to express what I'm feeling, in reality there are too many. Most don't do it justice, others just spin into something incoherent that seems impossible to tackle. This is when I shut down. Suddenly my mind goes to other places. It begins to make up stories, sing songs, or think about something completely useless.

In my sessions I'd love to be "present." I'd love to go deeper. I'm there to get better, not avoid the chaos. But there are also times that I'd love to purposely shut down. There are nights when my emotions and pain are so present there is no escape. I don't choose to shut down, it just happens. During those long nights I'd love for it to magically happen, instead it occurs when I don't want it to. I often feel trapped in my head. I'm the only person I can't manage to escape.

Confined in your own head. It can often feel like a prison we've created for ourselves. We're chained and bound to these emotions and struggles and there seems to be no way to escape. How can you escape yourself? The part that is really strange is that this prison feels safe. If we keep our emotions locked away in their cell where they can't be reached, no one can break through the bars we've built around these secrets. As much as the battle rages for my therapist to get in, the war within myself is always stronger. For some reason, I'm determined to fight this battle alone, though my life has been one desperate cry for help after another. It's something I want so badly but can't seem to obtain.

Truthfully, it seems pretty selfish. Your friends want in, your family cares, but you are only trying to protect yourself. You think you're protecting them; saving them from this monster that you think you are, but you are really keeping them from the greatest gift of all: your authenticity. People want in. They want to know us. They want to go deeper. They want us to get out of the confines of our minds and share our burdens with them. And again, we're back to fear. But, I'm not willing to let my fear stand in the way of genuine friendships. I may get hurt, but I'm hurting more by keeping myself shut off from the world.

You can hide from others, but you can't hide from yourself. Those emotions you think you've pushed away are all just waiting to come crashing in. When will we decide to face them and deal with them instead of putting it off for later? Will there ever be a "right time" to face the pain? There's no better time than the present. I'm lucky to have help, something I've taken for granted. I think it's time to stop running. I know I'm tired of running around this cell alone trying to avoid everything that comes in my path. Virginia Woolf once said, "You cannot find peace by avoiding life." In all this chaos and running, the greatest thing we could ask for is peace. It's time to stop avoiding the pain, it's time to get out of our confinement and face these burdens head on.