Fear

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." Maya Angelou

There are many ways to look at this quote. You can look at it from the upbeat point of view where you have a story you are itching to tell someone and are holding it in, the kind of excitement you experience makes waiting feel like it could eat you alive. There is also the deeper point of view. We all have a story to tell and keeping it to ourselves out of fear of judgment can be downright painful.

This quote has a deep meaning to me. There has always been this desire to share my writing with others and to share "my story," my life, where I've been, what I've survived, and more importantly what I've learned through the ups and downs. Though, a constant fear of judgment, a fear of allowing myself to be vulnerable and get hurt, and fear of letting others see what I usually hide so well tends to keep me from putting myself out there.

This is my step out of my comfort zone. Fear has such a negative impact on your life, in ways that you don't always notice. If you fear being vulnerable with others because of the possibility of rejection, your friendships suffer. How can you break the surface and get straight to the heart where friendships grow and thrive if you are constantly shielding yourself from the possibilities of what could happen? Fear causes us to build a wall around ourselves. There may be a few brave people who love you enough to try and break down this barrier that keeps them from knowing all of you. But some walls aren't easy to break down, others crumble quickly but are rebuilt immediately. After years and years of building this wall and "comfort zone" we suddenly realize, it isn't so comfortable here afterall. In fact, it's quite lonely. And all the years spent building this wall have made it seem inpenetrable. The good news is: it's never too late. Love can tackle this obstacle.

I have a few friends who have bravely and boldly told me that they will not stop loving me, no matter how far I push them away. They've told me that they care enough to stick around and try to show me what real love and friendship are like. I'm so grateful that I have these people in my life; I'm incredibly blessed and deserve none of it. They have helped me branch out and not only share my story with them, but even occasionally share my writing with them.

In learning to be vulnerable, I wound up more humble than anything. I realized how unworthy I am. I also realized that all this time I was trying to protect myself, it was actually hurting others just as much as it was hurting me. I realized what I've been missing out on by letting fear direct my path. I learned that vulnerability and authenticity are the purest and most satisfying gifts you can give or receive.

My faith is very important to me. One thing I never realized was how much fear can stand in the way of your relationship with God. Every time I fear something, I'm actually doubting God. I'm subconsciously saying, "I don't think you can handle this. This is TOO big for you." The God who controls the universe, the God who created all things, the God who sent his son to die just to wash away my sins... that God... He can't handle my problems. I actually laughed when I realized that was inevitably what I was saying to God. In Him all things hold together, but my storms can't be conquered. Who do I think I am? How could I look at the stars and not know that THAT GOD, has EVERYTHING under control?

It takes me back to Louie Giglio's "How Great Is Our God," message. We are so small but we think that God can't handle all of our "stuff." Louie Giglio says, God said, "Let there be light," and at 186,000 miles per second light came soaring out of his mouth. That powerful incredible God is at my fingertips, and yet I push him away and question what He is capable of taking on. I'm unworthy of His love. He doesn't need me, but He wants me. And I've allowed fear to stand in the way of fully living my life for Him.

Fear. Whatever it is that you fear, it's time to face it. For me, my biggest fear is being vulnerable and sharing my story. I allowed myself to live in pain and agony with this constant yearning to reach out, this consuming desire for more than the safe bubble I had created for myself. I'm reaching out. And I found a hand to catch mine, Christ was right there waiting. Don't live in a pit, find your way out. It gets easier. I learned that the more I revealed, and the more often I did it, the easier it became to talk about it. There's no need to hide or pretend to be perfect. We're all broken, and there is a lot of beauty in our imperfections. God transforms when we allow ourselves to be broken, and show our broken state. Let's break down the walls and let go of our fears, there are better things on the other side that have been anxiously waiting to be discovered.